A Gentle Reminder
Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of our 35th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted, “Honey, do you realize that we’ve been sitting in these same two seats for exactly 35 years?”
Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said, “So, you want to switch seats?”
A child on Christmas time asked for some paper and crayons in order to draw a crib. Eventually the artistic masterpiece was displayed for parental approval. The manager, the shepherds, Jesus and Holy Family wore duly admired.
“But what’s that in the corner?” asked Mother.
“Oh, that’s their telly,” replied the tot.
Judge and prisoner
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. “What are you charged with?” he asked.
“Doing my christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense,” replied the judge, “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.
On Christmas Eve Santa Claus met an honest politician and a kind lawyer while riding up in an elevator of a very exclusive hotel. Just before the doors opened the three of them noticed a 100USD bill lying on the floor.
Question: Which one of them do you think picked it up?
Answer: Santa Claus! Why? Because everybody knows that the other two don’t exist!
Things Have Been Okay
A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, “Mom, the toast is burned.”
“You talked! You talked!” Shouted his mother. “I’m so happy! But why has it taked this long?”
“Well, up till now,” Said the boy, “things have been okay.”
An Essential Correction
Teacher: Walter, why don’t you wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning.
Walter: What was it?
Walter: Wrong. That was yesterday.
The Doctor Knows Better
A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital。
His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: “I think that he is very ill.”
“I am afraid that he is dead.” said the doctor。
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: “I”m not dead. I”m still alive.”
“Be quiet, ” said the wife. “the doctor knows better than you!”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan。
He asks, “What was that for?”
She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.”
He says, “Jeez, honey, ‘Betty Sue’ was the name of the horse I bet on.” She shrugs and walks away。
Three days later he’s reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan。
He asks, “What was that for?”
She answers, “Your horse called.”
一个家伙正在看报纸，他的妻子走到他身后，用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。他问道：“这是为什么？”她说：“我在你口袋里发现了一张写有‘Betty Sue’的纸条。”他说：“哎呀，亲爱的，‘Betty Sue’是我赌的那匹马的名字。”她耸了耸肩，走了。 三天后他正在看报纸，妻子走到他身后，又用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。他问：“这又是为什么？”她答道：“你的马打电话来了。”
What’s your name ?
A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train.He had never seen them before,so he began:”My name is Stone,and I’m even harder than stone,so do what I tell you or there’ll be trouble.Don’t try any tricks with me ,and then we’ll get on well together”
Then he went to each soldier one after another and asked him his name.”Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly,”He said,”and don’t forget to call me ‘sir'”.
Each soldier told him his name,unitl he came to the last one.This man remained silent,and so Captain Stone shouted at him,”When I ask you a question,answer it!I’ll ask you again:What’s you name,soldier?”
The soldier was very unhappy,but at last he replied.”My name is Stonebreaker,sir”he said nervously.
Jimmy and Tommy went off on their bikes for a picnic in the woods. They had one bottle of lemonade between then. Jimmy went to explore while Tommy unpacked the food. When he returned, he found the bottle was empty.
“Hey!” he exclaimed crossly. “Half of that was mine!”
“I know,” said Tommy, “but I was thirsty, and as my half was at the bottom of the bottle I had to drink through yours to get to it.”
Being rather bald,I have long been used to comforting myself on a visit to the hairdresser with the opening gambit,“Grass doesn’t grow on a busy street.”
However,I was not prepared for the response of one barber,“We always say there’s no sense in putting a roof on an empty barn.”
He Needs Treatment Again
As a doctor is examining a patient, his nurse bursts in and says, “Excuse me, but that man you just treated walked out the door and collapsed on the front step. What shall I do?”
“Turn him around,”the doctor answered, “so it looks like he was walking in . “
- What will you break once you say it? (什么东西一说出来就打破？)
- Will liars be honest after they die? (骗子死了之后会诚实吗？)
No, they won’t. They lie still after they die。(不会，他们依旧撒谎。Lie still 躺着不动，依旧撒谎。)
- What always goes up and never goes down? (什么东西只升不降？)
Your age. (你的年龄)
- Why did the boy make his dog sit in the sun? (男孩为什么让他的狗坐在阳光下？)
He wants to have a hot dog. (他想要一条热狗。)
- Why can a bride hide nothing?(为什么新娘子什么也藏不住？)
Because someone will give her away. (因为有人会揭发她。Give away 揭发，在婚礼上把新娘交给新郎)
- Why is the library the highest building?(为什么图书馆是最高的建筑物？)
It has the most stories. (它的楼层最多。Story 故事，楼层)
- What is the smallest bridge in the world? (世界上最小的桥梁是什么？)
The bridge of a nose. (鼻梁)
- What is the difference between the North Pole and the South Pole? (北极与南极的区别是什么？)
A whole world. (整个世界。 a world of difference 天壤之别)
- What makes naughty boys long to work in a clock factory? (淘气的男孩为什么想去钟表厂工作？)
They want to make faces. (make face 做鬼脸，做钟表面)
- What bird lifts heavy things? (什么鸟能举起重物？)
- A ship can contain only fifty persons. Now there is alreadyforty-nine persons in it. At this time,a pregnant woman comes on andboards the ship. The shipsinks.Why?(有一艘船只能容纳50人，现在已有49人。这时一位孕妇上了船，船就沉了。为什么？)
Because is a pigbot. (那是潜水艇。pigbot，潜水艇)
- What’s the poorest bank in the world? (世界的最贫穷的银行是什么？)
The river bank。(河岸。)
- What month do soldiers hate?(军人憎恨什么月？)
Happy April Fool’s Day!
Sometimes you may forget what the date is on a certain day.
One time, I felt happy because it was spring vacation. I was dressed up and on my way to Taipei. Arriving at the train station, I waited for my classmates. After a while, I became a little angry and anxious. “How can they do this? They should put themselves in my shoes,” I said to myself, looking at my watch. I didn’t know, however, that they had all hidden themselves to trick me! After three o’clock, they gave me a so-called surprise.
Oh my gosh! I was ashamed of being watched like a bird in a cage. While I threw a fit, all of a sudden, they screamed, “Man! Happy April Fool’s Day!”
In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye. “You are a school teacher, eh?” said he. “Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write ‘I went through a red light’ five hundred times.”
One April 1st, a bus was going along a winding road when it slowed down and stopped. The driver anxiously turned switches and pressed buttons, but nothing happened. Then he turned to the passengers with a worried look and said. “This poor bus is getting old. There’s only one thing to do if we want to get home today. I shall count three, and on the word ‘three’, you must lean forward suddenly. That should get the bus started again. Now, lean back as far as you can in your seats.”
The passengers all obediently leaned back and waited anxiously.
Then the driver counted, “One! Two! Three!” The passengers all swung forward suddenly- and the bus started up again.
The passengers breathed more easily and began to smile with a relief. But their smiles turned to surprise and then delighted laughter when the driver merrily cried, “April Fools!”
High and low voice
“Can you explain to me what the difference is between a high-pitched and low-pitched voice?”
“A high-pitched voice is when my father scolds me；a low-pitched voice is when my father speaks with his boss.”
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.
Thenthey brought out sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches here!”
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Jerry went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m going crazy!” Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.” How much do you charge?” A hundred dollars per visit.” I’ll sleep on it,” said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10.” “Is that so! How?” He told me to cut the legs off the bed!” Ain’t nobody under there now!!!
What will happen
A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, “Can people predict the future with cards?”
His response was, “My mother can.”
The teacher replied, “Really?”
The young boy was quick to explain, “Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.”
Does Your Dog Know the Proverb?
Lady: Don’t be afraid of the dog. You know the old proverb,
“A barking dog never bites.”
Sam: You know the proverb. I know the proverb.But does your dog know the proverb?
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”