一大波英语笑话

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A Gentle Reminder
Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of our 35th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted, “Honey, do you realize that we’ve been sitting in these same two seats for exactly 35 years?”
Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said, “So, you want to switch seats?”

委婉提醒
婚后已久,我丈夫往往在一个特别事情上需要委婉的提醒。在我们结婚35周年纪念的早上,我们正坐在早餐桌旁,我暗示道:“亲爱的,你意识到我们在这两个相同的座位上已坐了整整35年了吗?”
他放下报纸,眼睛直直地望着我:“因此,你想交换座位吗?”

Jesus’s Telly
A child on Christmas time asked for some paper and crayons in order to draw a crib. Eventually the artistic masterpiece was displayed for parental approval. The manager, the shepherds, Jesus and Holy Family wore duly admired.
“But what’s that in the corner?” asked Mother.
“Oh, that’s their telly,” replied the tot.

耶稣的电视机
圣诞节时孩子要了纸和蜡笔,想画一张耶稣诞生像。最后这件艺术品被陈列出来供父母鉴赏。
他们对耶稣诞生后睡的马槽,牧羊人,耶稣及其家庭都逐一表示赞赏。
“可是那个角落里是什么?”妈妈问。
“噢,那是他们的电视机,”孩子回答说。

Judge and prisoner
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. “What are you charged with?” he asked.
“Doing my christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense,” replied the judge, “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.

那天是圣诞节,法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉?”他问。
“采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。
“这不算犯法,”法官回答,“你购物多早?”
在商店开门之前,“犯人应道。

100美元的脑筋急转弯
On Christmas Eve Santa Claus met an honest politician and a kind lawyer while riding up in an elevator of a very exclusive hotel. Just before the doors opened the three of them noticed a 100USD bill lying on the floor.
Question: Which one of them do you think picked it up?
Answer: Santa Claus! Why? Because everybody knows that the other two don’t exist!

圣诞节前夕,圣诞老人和一清廉的政治人物,以及一心地善良的律师在一家高级饭店一同等电梯,门还未开前,三人同时看到地上有一张新台币1000元的钞票,猜猜谁会将它捡起?
答案:当然是圣诞老人啦!为什么?因为大家都知道另外两者并不存在。

Things Have Been Okay
A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, “Mom, the toast is burned.”
“You talked! You talked!” Shouted his mother. “I’m so happy! But why has it taked this long?”
“Well, up till now,” Said the boy, “things have been okay.”

一切都正常
一对年轻夫妇有个儿子,已经四岁了,还没有开品说话,他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治,但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。后来有一天早上吃早餐时,那孩子突然开口了:“妈妈,面包烤焦了。”
“你说话了!你说话了!”他母亲叫了起来。“我太高兴了!但为什么花了这么长的时间呢?”
“哦,在这之前,”那男孩说,“一切都很正常。”

An Essential Correction
Teacher: Walter, why don’t you wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning.
Walter: What was it?
Teacher: Eggs.
Walter: Wrong. That was yesterday.

实质性的纠正
老 师:沃尔特,你为什么不洗脸?我看得出你今天早饭吃了什么。
沃尔特:我吃了什么?
老 师:鸡蛋。
沃尔特:错了,老师。那是昨天吃的。

The Doctor Knows Better
A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital。
His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: “I think that he is very ill.”
“I am afraid that he is dead.” said the doctor。
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: “I”m not dead. I”m still alive.”
“Be quiet, ” said the wife. “the doctor knows better than you!”

医生懂得多
一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院。他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:“我想他伤得很厉害。”
医生说:“恐怕他已经死了。”
听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:“我没死,我还活着。”
妻子说:“安静,医生比你懂得多。”

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan。
He asks, “What was that for?”
She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.”
He says, “Jeez, honey, ‘Betty Sue’ was the name of the horse I bet on.” She shrugs and walks away。
Three days later he’s reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan。
He asks, “What was that for?”
She answers, “Your horse called.”

一个家伙正在看报纸,他的妻子走到他身后,用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。他问道:“这是为什么?”她说:“我在你口袋里发现了一张写有‘Betty Sue’的纸条。”他说:“哎呀,亲爱的,‘Betty Sue’是我赌的那匹马的名字。”她耸了耸肩,走了。 三天后他正在看报纸,妻子走到他身后,又用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。他问:“这又是为什么?”她答道:“你的马打电话来了。”

What’s your name ?
A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train.He had never seen them before,so he began:”My name is Stone,and I’m even harder than stone,so do what I tell you or there’ll be trouble.Don’t try any tricks with me ,and then we’ll get on well together”
Then he went to each soldier one after another and asked him his name.”Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly,”He said,”and don’t forget to call me ‘sir'”.
Each soldier told him his name,unitl he came to the last one.This man remained silent,and so Captain Stone shouted at him,”When I ask you a question,answer it!I’ll ask you again:What’s you name,soldier?”
The soldier was very unhappy,but at last he replied.”My name is Stonebreaker,sir”he said nervously.

有一位很严厉的军官在对一群交由他训练的新兵训话。他以前从没见过这群新兵,于是他开始自我介绍:“我的名字叫Stone(石头),事实上,我甚至比石头更强硬。这就是我为什么要告诉你们我名字的原因。不要试图对我玩什么花招,这样我们就能很好相处了。”
接着他开始走到每个士兵前面问他们的名字。“说大声点,让每个人都能听清楚。另外,不要忘记称呼我为长官。”他说。
每个士兵都对他说了自已的名字。他走到最后一位士兵面前时,这个士兵保持着沉默。于是Stone队长对他喊叫,“当我问你问题的时候,要回答!我再问一遍,你的名字,士兵?”
那个新兵很不高兴,但最后他回答了。“我的名字是Stonebreaker(碎石机)

My half
Jimmy and Tommy went off on their bikes for a picnic in the woods. They had one bottle of lemonade between then. Jimmy went to explore while Tommy unpacked the food. When he returned, he found the bottle was empty.
“Hey!” he exclaimed crossly. “Half of that was mine!”
“I know,” said Tommy, “but I was thirsty, and as my half was at the bottom of the bottle I had to drink through yours to get to it.”  

吉米和汤米骑自行车去森林里野餐。他们带了一瓶柠檬水。在汤米准备食物的当儿,吉米去探险。当他回来后,发现瓶子空了。
“嗨!”他生气得嚷,“这水有一半是我的!”
“我知道,”汤米说,“但是我非常渴,而且我的那一半在下面,
所以我只好先把你的那半喝了才能喝到我的那一半呀。”

Being rather bald,I have long been used to comforting myself on a visit to the hairdresser with the opening gambit,“Grass doesn’t grow on a busy street.”
However,I was not prepared for the response of one barber,“We always say there’s no sense in putting a roof on an empty barn.”

每次去美发中心的时候,我总是以一句自我安慰的话,来提及我那近乎秃顶的脑袋,“繁华的马路不会长草。”
没想到,有位理发师这样应了我一句:“我们是认为,荒芜的土地就不需要有屋顶。”

He Needs Treatment Again
As a doctor is examining a patient, his nurse bursts in and says, “Excuse me, but that man you just treated walked out the door and collapsed on the front step. What shall I do?”
“Turn him around,”the doctor answered, “so it looks like he was walking in . “

他需要再次治疗
医生在检查一个病人,忽然护士急冲冲跑进来说:“打扰了,不过你刚治疗的
那个人走出门就倒在前面阶梯上了。怎么办呢?”“把他转过来,”医生回答说,“这样看起来就是他正要走进来。”

  1. What will you break once you say it? (什么东西一说出来就打破?)
    Silence. (沉默)
  2. Will liars be honest after they die? (骗子死了之后会诚实吗?)
    No, they won’t. They lie still after they die。(不会,他们依旧撒谎。Lie still 躺着不动,依旧撒谎。)
  3. What always goes up and never goes down? (什么东西只升不降?)
    Your age. (你的年龄)
  4. Why did the boy make his dog sit in the sun? (男孩为什么让他的狗坐在阳光下?)
    He wants to have a hot dog. (他想要一条热狗。)
  5. Why can a bride hide nothing?(为什么新娘子什么也藏不住?)
    Because someone will give her away. (因为有人会揭发她。Give away 揭发,在婚礼上把新娘交给新郎)
  6. Why is the library the highest building?(为什么图书馆是最高的建筑物?)
    It has the most stories. (它的楼层最多。Story 故事,楼层)
  7. What is the smallest bridge in the world? (世界上最小的桥梁是什么?)
    The bridge of a nose. (鼻梁)
  8. What is the difference between the North Pole and the South Pole? (北极与南极的区别是什么?)
    A whole world. (整个世界。 a world of difference 天壤之别)
  9. What makes naughty boys long to work in a clock factory? (淘气的男孩为什么想去钟表厂工作?)
    They want to make faces. (make face 做鬼脸,做钟表面)
  10. What bird lifts heavy things? (什么鸟能举起重物?)
    Crane. (鹤。Crane鹤,举重机)
  11. A ship can contain only fifty persons. Now there is alreadyforty-nine persons in it. At this time,a pregnant woman comes on andboards the ship. The shipsinks.Why?(有一艘船只能容纳50人,现在已有49人。这时一位孕妇上了船,船就沉了。为什么?)
    Because is a pigbot. (那是潜水艇。pigbot,潜水艇)
  12. What’s the poorest bank in the world? (世界的最贫穷的银行是什么?)
    The river bank。(河岸。)
  13. What month do soldiers hate?(军人憎恨什么月?)
    March。(行军。)

Happy April Fool’s Day!
Sometimes you may forget what the date is on a certain day.
One time, I felt happy because it was spring vacation. I was dressed up and on my way to Taipei. Arriving at the train station, I waited for my classmates. After a while, I became a little angry and anxious. “How can they do this? They should put themselves in my shoes,” I said to myself, looking at my watch. I didn’t know, however, that they had all hidden themselves to trick me! After three o’clock, they gave me a so-called surprise.
Oh my gosh! I was ashamed of being watched like a bird in a cage. While I threw a fit, all of a sudden, they screamed, “Man! Happy April Fool’s Day!”

有时候,在一些特定的日子里,你可能会忘记那天是几月几号。
有一次,因为当时是春假,我觉得很快乐。我盛装打扮,并启程前往台北。到了车站,我就开始等我同学。一段时间过后,我变得有点生气和焦躁。我看着表,对自己说:「他们怎么可以这样?他们应该站在我的立场为我着想啊!」。然而,我不晓得他们全都躲起来在嘲笑我。过了三点,他们给了我一个所谓的惊喜。
噢,我的天吶!像一只笼中鸟一样被观赏让我觉得很丢脸。就在我正要大发雷霆的时候,突然间,他们大喊:「老兄,愚人节快乐!」

In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye. “You are a school teacher, eh?” said he. “Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write ‘I went through a red light’ five hundred times.”

在中西部一个大城市的交通法庭里,一位年轻女士被带到法官面前,她由于开车闯红灯被开了罚单。女士向法官解释,她是一名学校老师,请求法官马上处理她的案子,以便可以赶回去上课。法官眼中闪过一丝狡黠,说道:“你是学校的老师,对吗?女士,我马上要实现我毕生的愿望了。在那张桌子旁坐下,写‘我开车闯了红灯’500遍。”

One April 1st, a bus was going along a winding road when it slowed down and stopped. The driver anxiously turned switches and pressed buttons, but nothing happened. Then he turned to the passengers with a worried look and said. “This poor bus is getting old. There’s only one thing to do if we want to get home today. I shall count three, and on the word ‘three’, you must lean forward suddenly. That should get the bus started again. Now, lean back as far as you can in your seats.”
The passengers all obediently leaned back and waited anxiously.
Then the driver counted, “One! Two! Three!” The passengers all swung forward suddenly- and the bus started up again.
The passengers breathed more easily and began to smile with a relief. But their smiles turned to surprise and then delighted laughter when the driver merrily cried, “April Fools!”

4月1号这天,一辆公共汽车正沿着一条蜿蜒的道路行驶,突然,它慢慢地停了下来。司机焦急地换挡,按按钮,但是都不起作用。然后他忧心忡忡地转向乘客,说:“这个汽车很旧了,出了点毛病。如果大家想今天到家的话,只有一件事可以做。我一会儿数三下,当我数到三时,你们必须突然地向前倾。这样汽车就会启动了。现在,在你的座位上,尽可能的向后靠。”
所有乘客都很顺从地向后靠,焦急地等待着。
司机开始数了“1!2!3!”当数到3时,所有乘客都突然向前倾,这时汽车启动了。
乘客们高兴地松了口气。但是,当司机得意地大喊“愚人节快乐!”时,他们转喜为惊,并哈哈大笑起来。

High and low voice
“Can you explain to me what the difference is between a high-pitched and low-pitched voice?”
“A high-pitched voice is when my father scolds me;a low-pitched voice is when my father speaks with his boss.”

“你能解释一下高音和低音的区别吗?”
“高音就是我父亲责备我的时候,低音就是我父亲对他老板说话的时候。”

Two attorneys
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.
Thenthey brought out sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches here!”
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

两个律师走进一个餐厅要了两杯饮料,从手提箱中拿出三明治开始吃起来。
餐厅老板走过来警告说,“你们不能在这里吃自己的三明治。”  
两个律师对看了一眼,耸耸肩,然后交换了手中的三明治。

Psychiatrist
Jerry went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m going crazy!” Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.” How much do you charge?” A hundred dollars per visit.” I’ll sleep on it,” said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10.” “Is that so! How?” He told me to cut the legs off the bed!” Ain’t nobody under there now!!!
杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生,我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候,我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了!”“给我一年时间,”医生说,“每周来三次,我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢?”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了,“为什么你再也没来呢?”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗?有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的?他怎么做到的?”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了!”

What will happen
A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, “Can people predict the future with cards?”
His response was, “My mother can.”
The teacher replied, “Really?”
The young boy was quick to explain, “Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.”
老师问班上的一个男孩:“有人能用纸片预测未来吗?”
“我母亲能。”男孩答道。   
“真的?”老师问。
“是的,她看了一眼我的成绩单,就告诉了我父亲回家后发生了什么。”男孩立刻解释道。

Does Your Dog Know the Proverb?
Lady: Don’t be afraid of the dog. You know the old proverb,
“A barking dog never bites.”
Sam: You know the proverb. I know the proverb.But does your dog know the proverb?
女士:别怕那只狗,你知道那句老谚语吧,“会叫的狗不咬人。”
萨姆:你知道这个谚语,我也知道,但是你的狗知道吗?

Photo
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

一个生意人走进一家酒馆,在吧台坐下,点了一杯加冰的双料martini。喝完,那生意人往自己衬衣的口袋里瞥了一眼,然后又让服务员把杯子满上。喝完,生意人又往自己衬衣的口袋里瞥了一眼,然后又让服务生帮他把杯子满上。这时酒馆的服务生说,“呃,老兄,我整个晚上给你倒martini都没有问题,但你得告诉我,你为什么在点下一杯酒前都要往自己衬衣的口袋里偷偷看那么一眼”。生意人回答,“我看的是我老婆的一张照片。如果照片上的人开始变得好看起来,那就说明我喝得差不多了,该回家了。”

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